Why are some people so keen to inform you of their personal bodily function information? It's not an enjoyable experience is it? They don't think of it the other way around.
If I came downstairs and said "woah-ho-ho!!!! babe. Don't go up there for a while. There was actual tomato seeds from last nights pizza when I wiped." Dane would NEVER sleep with me again.
Unfortunately, those are almost the exact words he said to me about 10 minutes ago. Yet I am still meant to find him irresistible.
My best friend, Sarah is the same. She recently had a baby and she was more than willing to share all of her constipation stories with me... Whilst on the toilet... Via text message... Asking me for advice. I don't know, I've never had it, but I may as well have had now because I'm really feeling your pain.
Pregnant women are quite often the same, though. It's like all embarrassment goes out of the window because you have a beautiful miracle of nature as an excuse. You can stroll around the shops arse-tooting a merry tune without apology, because you're carrying a boulder and a couple of watermelons on your front. You can openly discuss breast leakage, discharge from just about anywhere, and 'that feeling of sitting with an apple up your whoopsie'.
I don't like it, I don't agree, but having been a pregnant woman myself, I would NEVER express my dislike for the topic of conversation. This woman is suffering. She will either bite your head off or drown you in the tears that come with the third trimester. She feels she is bearing huge responsibility in her huge maternity knickers and stretch jeans. She is about to give birth to a child... A member of the next generation... And for all she knows, it could be the EINSTEIN of tomorrow's world.
Do not mess with this woman. She's busy being a superhero and its so exhausting you do not have, and never will have, any idea what this feels like ok? Ok? You just don't get it so just leave right now and get her those pancakes and syrup even though its 3am and you've been working all day and pirouetting on eggshells since you came home. But be prepared, when you do get home , she will be angry. You left her alone. What if something had happened?! You forgot your phone in all the panic and fear as you dove through the window of your car, and she doesn't want pancakes anymore, she wants Oreos.
To be fair to men, if their partner is one of those possessed pregnant women, the guy probably deserves to discuss his pooing and wiping every so often.
I would of course prefer not to be on the receiving end of this image provoking chatter, as I am not one of those possessed pregnant women. I am one of those who snaps your head off for 3months in the beginning and then sits around in the lotus position pondering which pastel colour will most relax baby, and give him/her the best start in life. Meaning that my partner gets ignored quite a lot, unless I need a second opinion on the Bach piece for my labour zone music.
The moral of the story is, if you're a guy, keep your shit to yourself... Literally. If you're a pregnant woman, do what the hell you want because you're amazing honey and we're so proud of you. You look so well and you're blooming. (This is what you say. Even though you know she looks ten times the woman you met with extra fries).
If you're anyone else, avoid men and pregnant women if you're a little weak stomached. Oh, and children who pass you bogies as presents.
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