Catch 22

I'm teething. I'm growing new teeth. My mouth doesn't have room for new teeth. I think they are growing at the beginning of my throat. Teeth are not meant to do that. I'm going to the dentist and telling him I don't need the extra teeth, thank you very much. I'm quite happy having just the teeth I've got. Even if it does mean I miss out on the wisdom they bring. I clearly have enough as it stands.

Its weird how you are born and you can't feed yourself, you wear nappies and can't walk. Then you become an adult and you can do things for yourself. But then you get old and the cycle comes around again. Nappies, bibs, spoon feeding and buggies. Plus you get sent to expensive boarding school, where they teach you how to suck boiled sweets and take you on school trips on minibuses to see Blackpool illuminations.

Old people wear uniform every single day. My Grandad is such a snazzy dresser it takes him an hour to get ready to go anywhere, and that's after he's made it up the stairs and worked out which way round his vest goes. He wears a blazer suit every single day. With a shirt and tie and cuff links and shiny shoes he shines himself at the back door whilst whistling a merry tune. My other Grandad's a bit the same and so are my Gran and my Nan.

Nan spends longer ironing pleats into her skirts than she does wearing them. She does a weird old person thing, which again, all of my Grandparents do. She gets changed to go to the post office for her pension, and then puts exactly the same clothes on when she gets in. How does she decide which Marks & Spencer lilac cardigan is the posh one she doesn't mind Barry the cashier seeing her in, and which Marks & Spencer lilac cardigan is for brushing the dog in? They are the SAME. She also buys and loves, shoes that look like slippers. Yet she wears slippers that look like work boots.

My Gran is a whole other kind of weird. She is nearly 71 years old. She goes to the gym and swimming daily, and does aqua fit, aquaerobics and some sort of water dancing class. She lunches with her friends twice a week, and she is literally NEVER in the house. However, she doesn't understand where her petrol goes, why she doesn't lose weight after her gym, swim and cream cake, and then she complains no one ever goes round to see her. Well. To even think about trying to explain it to her, would result in you losing your head.

She does have a tough time with my Grandad. He has Alzheimer's (we think) or something similar. But he will not go to the doctor and say something isn't right. He has been arrested 6 times in 3 years, set fire to his garage, his lawn and his 14ft conifer. He is barred from every pub in a 5 mile radius of his house, and he NEVER knows where his glasses are.

He genuinely does keep everyone on their toes. So you would think it a huge relief when they disappear on holiday. This week, they have spent 4 days in Torquay (in the rain) and now are about to embark on 3 further days in St Ives (in high winds and torrential downpours). My Grandad has bought an iPad to keep him busy. And forgotten it. So he and Gran have undoubtedly spent their time so far, looking for second hand expensive things in charity shops that they can bring home and play 'Guess How Much' with my Mum and I.

Gran will be seething all week because she hasn't had a hit of the Gym Endorphin for 5 days.

Whenever they go away, it results in more bother than when they are home. My Grandad has been to New Zealand twice, and been mugged there twice. My Gran went to see the mermaid at Copenhagen and broke her wrist and scaphoid bone. They both went to Kosovo, while there was a war on, because it was 'a bargain'. I wish I was lying. It has been so bad that my Mum has had to break into their house to get insurance details because my Grandad drove the wrong way down the Autobahn in Germany in 2006. He  had only been back 6 weeks when he went to Malaysia and had his trousers stolen while he was asleep on the bus. He does odd things like buys lots of kids clothes from charity shops and hands them out in Africa in exchange for mangoes and starfruits. There's a heart in there somewhere!

Grandparents bother me. They scare me. Its a bit of a catch 22 situation in my opinion because I do love them, I do think they should probably be in homes under lock and key, I do believe they should lose all rights to own driver's licenses and passports at the age of 60, and I also believe there should be a special lane for them on the pavement. However, I love them. Dearly. It makes me feel sad when I think of my life without them in it. It makes me feel empty. I love them to bits, especially my Gran and Grandad Kieth because they raised me from an egg. I don't think I want them to be uncreated in reverse fashion to babies. I quite like the idea of their decrepit old faces and shiny plastic teeth hanging around. I just wish we could pause the rate of ageing when they hit 'ever so slightly annoying'. It really is a terrible shame that my Grandad has already reached 'unbearably torturous'.

I would like to leave you with a few quotes. Mainly to show what we genuinely have to deal with from our loved ones.

*phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Grandad Kieth: This iPad...
Me: Grandad, not now I'm bathing the kids.
Grandad: Well, which is more important?!
Me:.....iPad?
Grandad: Well, I was having my tea when you rang anyway.
*phone hangs up*

Gran: Do you fancy coming to town?
Me: Oh, yeah OK then. I'll just brush Sienna's hair.
Gran: Oh. Well, I'll just wait around all day to ferry you around shall I?
Me: You literally just ASKED me if I wanted to go.
Gran: I'm not a charity shop you know!

Gran: Kieth, your tea's ready
Grandad: OK.
*half an hour passes by*
Gran: Kieth, your tea's ready.
Grandad: OK
*an hour passes by*
Gran: Kieth, your tea's ready.
Grandad: About bloody time. You been catching the cow for the beef?

Me): Let's change our lunch date this month because Gran's going to Birmingham for a Christmas Market
Mum: Yes OK. I'm alright with it.
Gran: Oh yes. Trust you to have to go to bloody Birmingham. Always changing our plans for you. Well what if I'm not free? Your Dad wants to go away again.
Mum: Its you that's going to Birmingham, Mum.

Grandad: Who's had that bloody camera now? Everything you put down! Every bloody time! Can't have nothing in this house!
Me: You posted it.
Grandad: Bloody posted it? I bloody never! Don't talk so bloody stupid. Posted it where?
Gran: You sold it on Ebay.