Help Save an Unfortunate Parent this Christmas

No one is as miserable as my daughter. No one in the world. She will sulk and argue and tell you the sky is green and the grass is blue. But I most definately have to keep her. I made her, I carried her, I gave birth to her (none of which were that much fun, if I'm honest). Now I have to put up with her 'terrible two's'. What did I do to deserve it? Why won't they do a trade-in if not a full refund? This one, for sure, is faulty.

She told me today that ''No Mummy. Actually if you want to be here next to me, you must get a drink of milk with pink in. And put Cbeebies games on.'' I think I may be under the thumb, because no matter how I grumbled and cursed as I scurried down the stairs and back up again with the pink milk, I still did it. I did as I was told, by a two year old, despite the fact that I knew it was silly. Why? For an easy life. For quiet and tranquility. ''Fine, you take my laptop, my internet and all of my money. I shall sit here and sulk myself because I feel hard done to, and mistreated by my child''.

Childline should be for parents to call when they really feel like putting their head in a vice and turning and turning until their skull caves in. ''Hello, yes. I have a child here, Childline. And I'm rather unhappy with it actually. It will not give me a moments peace, will not eat anything other than Petit Filous and has told the man at the park we'll have one of his puppies. What am I to do?''

The problem is, I don't know what they could really do about it. They could take her away, but then I would be quite upset by that. I need a behavioural trainer. Like for dogs. Only for children, not dogs. Dane would of course completely disagree. ''Oh don't.'' He would coo. ''She's only little. And she's a princess.'' Well no actually, she really really isn't. She does physically resemble one, however, inside there's one of those crazy burping greedy things off the Gremlins. If her looks resembled her personality, at this moment in time, she would be beastly. People would scream and run in horror at her deformed melting face.

I even feel slightly guilty writing this tonight as she did used to be rather cute. I remember it sometimes on the rare occasion when shes not foaming at the mouth and her eyes aren't red. She can look at me sometimes and I see my miracle little cupcake who survived premature labour and 9 weeks in a greenhouse, wearing only a nappy, and her body covered in stickers and wires. She was alright then. She was amazing actually. I thought ''Yeah. She's a stubborn little fighter.'' I wasn't wrong.

''Mummy, its not time for tired. I'm awake and all open.''

''Mummy, get up now its morning. Santa has poo'ed snow on the garden and Wee Willy Winky has stolen the Christmas lights.''

''Mummy, if you don't let me off this naughty step I'm going to be naughty again.''

''Mummy, I want a bath.'' Not now Sienna, I'm cooking. ''I'm going to put the plug in and turn the tap. See you when you're shouting.''

This cannot be normal behaviour. Something has happened to my baby. It's grown up all crazy and mean and I think I'd really like it to go away now. I'd also like a holiday and a pair of Manolo Blahnik's, but that'll never happen either. I'll give her a month. That's what I'll do. Then I'll call the dog whisperer and see what he suggests. Or the English nanny that helps American families, and dresses like a scary nanny because it works.

If none of that works I'll send her to Hogwarts. She'll be gone for ages then. And I know where I can get Slytherin costumes from at very good prices.