Although Daddy Long Legs are a common sight in England. I cant help but wonder how. Physically, it has to be impossible surely. It all started when I met Dave, the Daddy long legs, during my bath tonight. I noticed he had 6 legs, which at first i deemed normal as he wasn't really a spider, he just looked a bit like one. however, on one side he seemed to have half a leg extra, so i guessed they probably are meant to have eight, as 7 would be bad for balance and walking straight etc.
So as Dave and I bonded over a mug of hot chocolate and some Pink Jasmine Radox, I really started to wonder how long he has been alive. How many millions of gazillions of years, decades, centuries? He didnt really look old, but how do you tell a pensioner Daddy long legs from a Club Med Daddy long legs? He flew pretty well, and seemed spritely, maybe slightly epileptic but overall pretty healthy. So how did he lose his legs? How, after all this time, has he still got 6 if he's been clumsy enough to lose two.
As you may be aware, (fully i should hope) Daddy long legs aren't great at holding a conversation. they have miniscule attention spans, and they dont sit still for long enough for you to examine them. plus, if they get bubbles on their wings, they crash. the last point being completely accidental, not part of my experiment, and although unintentionally ridiculously cruel, rather humorous.
So Dave was unable/unwilling to tell me the answers to my questions. I tried and tried to come up with a logical explanation for this. I really did. But it seemed there were none. It took a good while to come to this conclusion, my fingers were pruned, my water was cold and Dave had pulled the lightbulb after one too many sips of bubbly. I decided to google it. After all, it was my belief that Daddy Long Legs are all male (hence the name) therefore they must live either forever, or a very VERY long time for there to be any of them left.
I shall not go any further with this story. All I will say is that my relationship with Google is starting to suffer. I have lost all trust in him. Everyday his tales become more and more far-fetched and incomprehendable. But he swears they're words of truth, and the most annoying thing, is that everyone in the whole world believes him over me.
30 November 2011
29 November 2011
Road Tax for Reindeers
Firstly,
I think today I HAVE to start with a little rant...
A Thermos keeps hot things hot right? and cold things cold? yeah, sure! right, so why the HELL, can Dane not collect some Scotland snow for me in said thermos, and bring it home for me to see?? Pure selfishness, thats why! Trying to keep a whole COUNTRY full of snow to himself, and not even share one thermos full with the love of his life. Fine. At least I know where I stand. Suitable punishment yet to be concocted.
Terribly sorry about that. Rant over. Let us continue...
Naive as I may sometimes appear, I fear that I am merely misunderstood, and it is not a lack of intelligence being displayed, but an overload of intelligence, causing over analysis of everyday topics and situations, causing wrong calculations to be made. As sometimes, there is no reason for the crazy things in our world. Like cows horns. Why? Ahh, no reason. Turkeys? Chickens, but bigger, uglier, and less tasty. No point at all. screw fitting lightbulbs? Just showing off. Bayonet fittings are much easier to fit. Simpler to make, and look more like little aliens when you turn them upside down. Anyhow, I digress. Just pointing out the fact that judgement isn't good, look deeper. Try to see why. I am completely, absolutely an intelligent, normal person, with just this little bit of a slightly unusual way of looking at things. You may now read on...
I asked, quite innocently, do reindeers exist? Apparently so. However, I have to have a license if I want to keep one as a pet and I cannot simply stable one like your basic horse. Fine. This license does not give me permission to drive my reindeer. (waste of money). Reindeers also, it turns out, can NOT actually fly, unless they are attached to Santa's sleigh, therefore drawing magic from it. So who'd want a reindeer anyway?
Following on from the reindeer conversation, we entered into a rather comical conversation about chameleons and unicorns. One of which is real, the other MYTHICAL. Yes that is correct. Just ONE is mythical. Of course, before you scoff at me, I knew Unicorns were. But that would mean that chameleons were real. colour changing, eyelid-less, lizards. Hmm sounds less likely to be real than a horse with wings. At least that could have happened by accident in a lab. but, all hail Google. Chameleons are real. 100% bona fida REAL. So I still have a chance of catching a fairy, a pygymy and a mermaid then. Brill. My hopes kept alive, and another thing learnt.
As I go on learning and processing things through my unarguably complex brain, i notice a pattern. If something makes sense. Its probably bollocks. So from now on. We will try this philosophy. Only believe people who seem like they are talking complete and utter shite. You'll look less like a prick, and people will THINK you're intelligent, although you're actually not even thinking for yourself. I'm going before I talk myself out of it.
I think today I HAVE to start with a little rant...
A Thermos keeps hot things hot right? and cold things cold? yeah, sure! right, so why the HELL, can Dane not collect some Scotland snow for me in said thermos, and bring it home for me to see?? Pure selfishness, thats why! Trying to keep a whole COUNTRY full of snow to himself, and not even share one thermos full with the love of his life. Fine. At least I know where I stand. Suitable punishment yet to be concocted.
Terribly sorry about that. Rant over. Let us continue...
Naive as I may sometimes appear, I fear that I am merely misunderstood, and it is not a lack of intelligence being displayed, but an overload of intelligence, causing over analysis of everyday topics and situations, causing wrong calculations to be made. As sometimes, there is no reason for the crazy things in our world. Like cows horns. Why? Ahh, no reason. Turkeys? Chickens, but bigger, uglier, and less tasty. No point at all. screw fitting lightbulbs? Just showing off. Bayonet fittings are much easier to fit. Simpler to make, and look more like little aliens when you turn them upside down. Anyhow, I digress. Just pointing out the fact that judgement isn't good, look deeper. Try to see why. I am completely, absolutely an intelligent, normal person, with just this little bit of a slightly unusual way of looking at things. You may now read on...
I asked, quite innocently, do reindeers exist? Apparently so. However, I have to have a license if I want to keep one as a pet and I cannot simply stable one like your basic horse. Fine. This license does not give me permission to drive my reindeer. (waste of money). Reindeers also, it turns out, can NOT actually fly, unless they are attached to Santa's sleigh, therefore drawing magic from it. So who'd want a reindeer anyway?
Following on from the reindeer conversation, we entered into a rather comical conversation about chameleons and unicorns. One of which is real, the other MYTHICAL. Yes that is correct. Just ONE is mythical. Of course, before you scoff at me, I knew Unicorns were. But that would mean that chameleons were real. colour changing, eyelid-less, lizards. Hmm sounds less likely to be real than a horse with wings. At least that could have happened by accident in a lab. but, all hail Google. Chameleons are real. 100% bona fida REAL. So I still have a chance of catching a fairy, a pygymy and a mermaid then. Brill. My hopes kept alive, and another thing learnt.
As I go on learning and processing things through my unarguably complex brain, i notice a pattern. If something makes sense. Its probably bollocks. So from now on. We will try this philosophy. Only believe people who seem like they are talking complete and utter shite. You'll look less like a prick, and people will THINK you're intelligent, although you're actually not even thinking for yourself. I'm going before I talk myself out of it.
27 November 2011
Are Chickens Birds
Dane (the OH) seems to think I am completely and utterly braindead. I think it amazes him that the children and I are still alive when he comes home of an evening/weekend. But no, I do have plenty of clever things to say. They just come out wrong. And my theories may not always be correct, however they do have good logical thought behind (most of) them. for example...
Birds. Birds fly. Right? Of course they do! Therefore, how can a chicken be a bird? How can a penguin or an ostrich or an emu, be a bird. Well they dont fit the bill do they (excuse the pun). So I delve a little. These animals must have a name. They must slot into a family, a group, a category. Aaah, a chicken. Poultry. So they are poultry. Makes perfect sense. Learnt something new that day. Taught it to myself, quite impressed. Along comes Dane, ruiner of all confidence, scupperer of all plans, disector of all theories. ''Well, no actually.'' he scoffed. ''All of them are birds, however they are flightless birds. Still birds im afraid.'' Hmm, well I KNOW chickens are poultry. So hes gone wrong somewhere. ''Well, no actually''. -_- ''Poultry is a type of bird. Some poultry are flightless, some arent.'' Very helpful Dane Thank you. So basically everything that lays an egg is most definately absolutely, a bird. ''Well no actually'' AAAAARRGGGHHH. Ok? ''Actually crocodiles, turtles and other reptiles lay eggs also, but they are not birds of course!'' Great. Ok. So you have to have wings AND lay eggs to be a bird, but you can pick if you fancy flying or not? ''Well, no actually.'' Stefan next door interrupts. ''Flightless birds have no choice in the matter, their wings are simply too small to carry the weight of their overfed, farmed bodies.'' Righto. So only birds have wings, but you can also lay an egg if you are a crocodile or a turtle. Right got it. ''Or a fish.'' Oh for god's sake.
Birds. Birds fly. Right? Of course they do! Therefore, how can a chicken be a bird? How can a penguin or an ostrich or an emu, be a bird. Well they dont fit the bill do they (excuse the pun). So I delve a little. These animals must have a name. They must slot into a family, a group, a category. Aaah, a chicken. Poultry. So they are poultry. Makes perfect sense. Learnt something new that day. Taught it to myself, quite impressed. Along comes Dane, ruiner of all confidence, scupperer of all plans, disector of all theories. ''Well, no actually.'' he scoffed. ''All of them are birds, however they are flightless birds. Still birds im afraid.'' Hmm, well I KNOW chickens are poultry. So hes gone wrong somewhere. ''Well, no actually''. -_- ''Poultry is a type of bird. Some poultry are flightless, some arent.'' Very helpful Dane Thank you. So basically everything that lays an egg is most definately absolutely, a bird. ''Well no actually'' AAAAARRGGGHHH. Ok? ''Actually crocodiles, turtles and other reptiles lay eggs also, but they are not birds of course!'' Great. Ok. So you have to have wings AND lay eggs to be a bird, but you can pick if you fancy flying or not? ''Well, no actually.'' Stefan next door interrupts. ''Flightless birds have no choice in the matter, their wings are simply too small to carry the weight of their overfed, farmed bodies.'' Righto. So only birds have wings, but you can also lay an egg if you are a crocodile or a turtle. Right got it. ''Or a fish.'' Oh for god's sake.
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